Bitterness personified...

I really need to vent right now... I admit, Im not really good at controlling my anger... I'm pretty good at not displaying it in public, hence most people close to me wouldnt know me to lose my temper when things go wrong. i'm more often known to be jovial, or intensely quiet when problems surface...

In private, however, its a different matter... my ideal venting routine would start off with smashing furniture (a la Hulk) and preferably end with cornering the people responsible for the outrage and spending the next couple of hours pounding them until i hear the sweet, sweet sound that signifies the cracking of ribs (a la Rocky Balboa)..

Like I said, thats my ideal routine... Haven't ever tried it out though, since I have yet to achieve the required level of 'pissedoffness' to go thru the routine.. Instead, I prefer to bottle my rage, which sometimes leads to mild headaches, bouts of depression, and damaged personal effects, until I'm either distracted by something more important, or I fall asleep... I expect an aneurysm sometime in the near future... Its a disease, and I admit I need help... ur more than welcome to dish out advice at this point...

I dont even know where to begin, so I'll go on rambling in a way that would probably make sense to noone but myself, this being one of those situations where u 'had to be there'...

I guess reading this post up to this point has put u in a similar state of frustration, so I'll get to the venting. While I wont be naming anyone, I will, however, be writing in the first person narrative and maintaining every last bit of hope that the person I'm referring to comes across this post somewhere over the Net, and realizes the true extent of hatred I reserve for them, instead of the meagre amount of minced words I have unwillingly unleashed in their presence:

You are the biggest suck up I have ever met... Due to some reason you appear to have upset your own family, and are now intent on creating havoc within others...

You have been provided a home for yourself in a separate location in the workplace, yet you insist on spending as much time as possible within my own home, cooking, leisuring.. Why do you not understand that people prefer to have a little privacy within their lives and do not wish your presence upon themselves during every waking moment??

You came home late at night drunk, actually DEAD DRUNK, on a number of occasions, whereupon i found u lying unconscious outside the door... had i wished to treat u the way u deserved, i would have left u lying on the street till you came to ur senses.. instead i dragged u to ur room and waited there till 2am so ur incoherent wailing, highly reminiscent of 2yr olds, subsided... i decided not to mention this to the family, as it was irrelevant to work, and therefore was of no consequence...

u are consistent in advising my family on what to do with MY future... firstly, what on earth gives you the right to discuss my future with my family in my absence... n secondly, i do not understand y my family does not see through ur well-disguised ruse as a means to merely dispose of me and send me away where i wont be in ur way or in ur face again..

u act like youre god's gift to the world, but ur afraid of taking a 2hr trip to the nearest city on ur own, for fear that the driver might be dazzled by ur 'astonishing beauty' and force himself upon you.. you should understand that no man would probably even touch an immature b**ch like yourself with a 10-ft pole if you were the last 2 living beings on the planet and the continuation of the entire human race depended on your getting together...

you are the most irresponsible person i have ever met... you manage to misplace your office/apartment keys 3 times within 3 months, not to mention lose a handphone and drown a second one within the same timeframe... how my family believed you capable of shouldering such a huge responsibility as they have placed upon you, is beyond my understanding...

You are a lying, fu***ng telltale of the highest degree... no matter what you may do, you portray urself as the most innocent of angels... once someone corrects you of ur mistakes, however subtly it may be, you immediately go wailing (once again, highly reminiscent of a 2-yr old) to the nearest authoritative figure present, and complain about the 'scolding, telling off, and shouting' you have just been handed down...

you act like you have all the sense in the world.. you supposedly advise my family on business matters, but lack the common sense necessary in choosing an appropriate driving school and making sure you dont get duped when buying a car... u lack the courage or the common sense in facing a person after you bang their BMW thanks to your comprehensive driving skills.. very mature...

you force yourself upon this house, calling it your own home... yet you lack the decency to obey the same rules the ppl of this house follow... you leave dishes/pans/cups uncleaned after your cooking... you throw about ur belongings and never bother to clean up.. you cudnt be bothered to pick up ur personal effects after you have been to the washroom, and leave them lying about scattered over the sink... you take over dishes and cutlery into your room, but once again lack the decency to bring them back washed and cleaned so that others may use them.. you expect others to bang upon your door and ask that you graciously allow them to take back what you 'borrowed'..

when all is said and done, you do not even possess even the minimal decency to face the person and talk things through to work out the problem... you prefer to sit and sulk in your apt (the one time you probably return to your own apartment) and call up the nearest person who will listen to you and complain about ur horrible situation... and then u SMS the person you have a problem with and ask them y they dislike you, and y theyre creating problems for u, and that ur not scared of them but only tolerating them... u fail to understand that you are the one being tolerated, since the family has placed responsibility upon you, and the sole reason you are being tolerated in the first place is because it would do more harm than good... if not, well, you would not possess the fingers required for sms'ing long ago if something could be done about you...

all in all, you may pretend to be an angel of the highest degree, and you may take upon urself so much responsibility that my family may even adopt you as a daughter (thats not happening, thank God.. its just a worst-case scenario im presenting)... i, however, will never even then take u as a sister, regardless of whether that decision causes me to sever my own ties with my family.. the only thing keeping u going right now is the fact that youre earning a living for urself, while i have to unwillingly resign to a state of unemployment while helping out with the family business... and i admit, if i can figure out how to handle the business world, there's more than a sufficient income in it...

i would more than willingly sacrifice a major income for a better, happier life... I'd be perfectly happy with a 9-5 job, regardless of the low pay... but I keep myself here for now, as my family as aspirations, and I can help out in fulfilling them...

I would love nothing else than to be locked up in a room with u, and have the key thrown away, and carry out my ideal routine as outline above, while at the same time venting out every bit of my frustration upon you as i have just done so upon my readers (for this, readers, i apologize)...

I will, however, (and I amaze myself at my ability to) keep my anger reigned in, since as i mentioned earlier, it would probably do more harm than good... there must always be an outlet though, and I can happily say that's where my gym workouts come in: capoeira and weight-training have provided me with a decent outlet so far, and I use my anger to push myself harder.. to improve every kick, to lift more weight... (i once again send out a heartfelt thanks to my capoeirista friends/instructors, as they remind me of better times... and those times will return, if i have anything to say about it)

I have also, this one time, decided to blog out my frustrations, at the risk of exposing myself as a raving lunatic for the world to see.. but oh well, cant win em all...

therefore, for now, i am choosing to be the better person... I will not lower myself to tell-taling.. I will not lower myself to immature scheming... and i will just devote myself to helping my father, and concentrating on my workouts, and eventually getting the F**K out of this country ASAP...

For now...

I think i'll call up mom for a bit, see how she's keeping up... then back to work...

Later...